Hiding

I saw a beautiful black and white photo online last night and I thought it would make a good self
portrait challenge. Woman, laying down, close up on her face, blurred background. Sounds like a nice image but beyond that, what would I say about it? Not much, probably.

Well, after attempting to shoot such a photo of myself, it turns out I have something to say after all.

It's not easy shooting yourself while laying down. It's a clumsy affair that causes one to furrow their brow and make funny faces. And your hair decides it's just going to do its own thing.

I hated every one that I took. Aside from thinking I looked awful, they just weren't all that great from a photographic standpoint. Or maybe they were interesting in a way, but I could not get past how I looked in them. Then I saw this one and it struck me that I'm not young and gorgeous like the model in the inspiration photograph. So maybe my expectations were a little skewed right from the start.

Yeah, I have bags under my eyes, large pores, and a furrowed brow. But dammit, it doesn't matter. I have so much to offer aside from my looks. I'm funny and smart and a good friend.

It doesn't fucking matter. But I allow it to matter. I allow myself to gauge my value on my looks.
This is a choice I am making.

I repeat.

This is a choice I am making.

This photo is a clear indication of that choice.

It's not a bad thing to want to look good. But it is bad when I let my looks define who I am. When I let them dictate my worthiness. When I cut my face in half because I can't bear to show all of it. When I edit the photo so it's softer and prettier looking.

I have a long way to go. I wish I could say I'm going to stop making this choice today. But it's not that easy.

Growth never is though, is it?

I'm not giving up, however, just acknowledging that I am human and I have work yet to do. Today I'm hiding but you never know what tomorrow will bring. And that, my friends, is life.