An Open Secret

There are times when I don't feel so wonderful. When I won't let myself off the hook for what I have done. When all I see are my mistakes. How I have hurt people. I get tangled up in regret. I allow the guilt to wrap itself around me like vines creeping up an old decrepit house.

It's not a constant feeling, by any means. But when does guilt become a bullshit constraint that is just covering up what I really need to be doing?

Moving on. Admitting mistakes. Learning instead of dwelling. Changing instead of repeating. Taking responsibility. Forgiving myself.

There is sadness and a little bit of mystery in this photo. But I also see beauty and openness.
Am I finally willing to accept that all of these are an integral part of my journey?
An integral part of me?

I'll keep you posted.

When I Shoot

On one of our recent shoots together, Lisa and I were discussing how much we like getting in the "zone" while shooting. When I'm behind my camera, setting up a shot, framing my image, deciding where to focus: I am in such an amazing space.

A space of creativity that I don't always experience in my day to day life.

A space where I am entirely myself, where mistakes and regret mean nothing.

A space of unlimited possibilities.

A space where I can revel in the freedom to do and be exactly who I want to be.

This may look like just a photo of my shadow but it's so much more than that. There is a part of me in every image I create. The good, that not so good, the downright bad. There is a mix of dark and light in this photo, just like there is a mix of dark and light in me.

Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

the return of me

pieces of me 

have come home

I welcome them 

and turn away from regret

while stepping onto

my soul's path

in confidence and joy

The year's almost over?

Wait, how did it get to be near the middle of November? I can hardly believe it. And don't get me wrong, I like the holidays and all, but I resent how pretty much everything is all about them from late October on. Like, can't we just enjoy the month of November without it being all about Thanksgiving and more importantly, all the deals coming your way on Black Friday, and December without it being all about Christmas (like it's the only thing happening all month). Really.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with my self portrait. I don't think. Or maybe it does. Here I am being blissfully oblivious to the impending madness, at least for a few days. Blissfully hooping on the quietest, emptiest beach on Lake Michigan about an hour before sunset. In bare feet, no less, on November 10, when Michigan is usually too cold for bare feet. I pretty much wish it could all be just like this every day.

In this photo, I love that I'm doing something I love in a place I love, and that I've captured it with a medium I love. I love the color of filter I've chosen and the way the light reflections from the lake make little light arrows that shoot into my body here. It looks like I'm electrified, but it's soothing, too.