From my brain to my lens

Not long after I moved to Chicago in the mid-1980s, I saved up enough to buy a used Minolta 35mm SLR camera from a reputable shop on Broadway. I used that camera for several years, but I never bothered to learn anything about photography and never took it off program mode. I thought that a good camera would just take good pictures. Needless to say, I was never very happy with my results, and with the cost of film and printing and never liking much that came back to me, I ended up putting my camera away.

When I first started shooting with my DSLR, I had trouble getting things from how I saw them in my brain to how they came out in my finished images, but I knew that it wasn't the camera--it was my lack of knowledge. So with experience and reading and workshops and learning from others, I'm a lot better now about having an idea in my head translate to my images. But sometimes other things creep in to foil my ideas, like cold, or time, or weather, or light.

Yesterday it was snowing in the late afternoon and I took a break from work to run down the street to the riverfront park. I wasn't disappointed by the scenery. But I did have an idea for this week's self-portrait that I just couldn't make work. Too cold, snow blowing around, couldn't get the right angles with my tripod, and just a little bit of self-consciousness out on the pier.

This isn't a film shot, but I wanted to make it kind of gritty, black and white, a little brooding, reminiscent of film. And I'm trying film again, but this time reading up on how to use it so that I can get the most out of my experiments with my old Minolta.

So, this isn't the shot I planned but that's sometimes the way this goes. It's all an adventure and an exploration, and I'm all in.

Tiny steps are still steps

I've been struggling with bit of restlessness the past few months. It's been eye-opening for me. Because instead of running away from it I have been accepting it. Embracing it. Examining it. It has also forced me to take note of what I want in my life. To accept that while I really do have a great life, there are things about it, or rather, things about me, that I am ready to change. It's time to get out of my comfort zone. Time to allow myself to dream big. I took a tiny step out of that comfort zone today.

I despise winter weather.

I get a little self-conscious when I go out shooting alone.

I am uncomfortable talking to strangers.

But this morning I bundled up, grabbed my camera and headed out into the very cold weather. I shot at the side of a busy road and tried not to care what the people zooming by in their cars thought about me. Note to self, they probably didn't care much. I spoke to a nice gentleman walking his big dog in the woods. He pointed me to a fantastic spot next to the river, where I took this shot.

This is me. In the cold. Alone. Doing what I love to do.

This is me unlocking the gate and opening it, ever so slightly. Maybe I'm not flinging it wide just yet, but I'm getting there.

Lessons in no

I felt a need to show something a little more exposed this week. I have this tendency to get ahead of myself, of having an idea pop into my head and somehow it's all I think about, I have to do it, I have to have the way cleared for me to do it, etc. etc.

But it's not always the right thing, or it's not always feasible, or it isn't meant to be, and so it doesn't happen. And sometimes I don't know where to go with those "no's" in life. I go through a process of coming to grips with it, but I feel like I need to learn how to look more objectively as well as internally about why I wanted whatever it was that I wanted. And then also why it was that that particular thing didn't come about.

I think there is almost always a lesson.

I'm not sure there's a great connection here with this story and the image, but I'm trying to explore myself through images and words and this felt right today. And I had one of those "no's" this week. I don't have an answer yet as to the why's, but it's okay, and I'm accepting the no. For now, anyway.

I am not well trained in studio lighting, or should I say I am not at all trained in studio lighting. Hence the very harsh darks in this shot. I definitely need to learn how to set up lights. But I am not going to dwell on the technical aspects of this photograph too much. The intent of this shoot was to observe close up shots of myself non-judgmentally.

Uploading them and editing them was an interesting experience. I first started off making the images look gauzy, trying to minimize wrinkles or just soften the look of my face in general. But after doing it to so many, I decided that after a point they just didn't look like me anymore. I want to look like me.

Or should I say, I want to want to look like me. I want to see my face and be fine with the size of my pores, or my oily skin, or the lines on my neck. Or whatever thing I have deemed unattractive about myself at the moment. And if I really wanted to go deep today, I could ask myself this.

Why do I feel I have to be attractive? Do I really think my worth is dependent on my looks?

I want to say no to that. I really do. I hope at some point during this year long project I will be able to. Right now though, the answer is not so clear.

I just want to be outside

I traveled all week for work. And while I was in a really beautiful area (San Francisco Bay) I didn't get to see a bit of it. We worked hard all day and left the office each night well after dark. I saw a few restaurants, the mountains in the distance at sunrise, and one night we went to a lovely vineyard that I bet would have been incredible during the daylight. Next time I'll plan better and tack on some days before or after.

Anyway, all I wanted to do while I was there was be outside. I think I may have annoyed my coworkers with how often I talked about wanting to be outside. I mean, I left Michigan in a blizzard for pete's sake, and here I was in a place where it was in the upper 30s to low 40s at night, and in the 60s during the day. No snow, no salt on my shoes, and I never put on anything heavier than a sweater. Heaven!

So after catching up by sleeping most of yesterday after I got home, today I went outside and I stood at the shoreline of an icy Lake Erie. It wasn't California temperatures, but it is home. 

As far as self portraits go, this is the kind of shot I'm comfortable with, where my face is pretty much obscured. But I promise to work past that, even when I'm unhappy with the results. That said, this is truly representative of me--there is not much I love more than looking out over a body of water.

This was supposed to be something else

This was supposed to be a no holds barred close up of my face. I did take several of those and I hated every shot. I wish I could have just picked one and posted it and said 'Here I am!"

But I didn't. Instead I went outside and looked in the window. I like the shot in itself, the way the sheer curtains obscure what is outside. It looks sort of dreamy and hazy.

But as a revealing self-portrait? I'm not so sure. Then again, it does say a lot about me, doesn't it?

New year, not-so-new me

Well, I'm not walking around promising new this or new that from myself. So when I say "not-so-new" I actually mean it in a really good way. More like I'm going to be more accepting of the me I've become this year. Hang-ups, issues, faults, mistakes and all. Because honestly, if you can't get your arms around yourself in your fifth decade of living, I'm not sure you're going to get around to it. And that would just be a shame.

Still, I am not a big fan of seeing photos of myself, as I suspect most people over a certain age are as well. I am too critical. Why, though? I would never look at a photo of a friend and think about how big her nose looks, or how tired she looks, or how icky her wrinkles are. I just wouldn't. So why don't we look at ourselves with the same love and forgiveness? That's part of what this project is about for me.

I'm joining Jane in a self-portrait-a-week for 2015. Posting right here. I think it's going to be fun but also challenging. Challenging to come up with new ideas so I don't have the same old shot every week. Challenging to not want to erase those little things I see that annoy me. Challenging to be creative but not cheesy, or, give myself permission to be cheesy just for the fun of it. In any case, I'm jumping in.

They say the first time is the hardest

I was trying to come up with reasons why I am participating in a weekly self-portrait photography blog. As I have told my friend and cohort Lisa many times, the very idea of this project scares me. Making a commitment to post a new photo of myself once a week is a daunting prospect for me. I am not always fond of how I look. I could certainly lose quite a few pounds, I'm saggy in places, I have large pores and some wrinkles on my face. Why would I want to document something I don't even like seeing in the mirror most of the time? And there you have it, why would I? My answer is simple. Because I want to like what I see, overweight, saggy, wrinkles and all. I believe that forcing myself to step in front of the camera once a week will get me to see beyond my self-described flaws.

But why put these portraits out in a public forum? Why not just make them for myself? Another simple answer, because making them public helps to keep me accountable. This blog is here to make me keep my word to myself. Take a self-portrait once a week and post it.

I hope I can make creative and interesting photographs. I hope to keep them fresh and have fun with it. Most of all, I hope I can stop judging myself so harshly.