For the past two weeks, I have had some issues with my left eye. Corneal abrasion one week, followed by a nasty eye infection this week. I wouldn't say I have been in a lot of pain, but I am constantly aware that something is wrong with my eye. Sometimes it's very watery, or irritated, or my vision is blurry. I had a retinal tear 11 years ago in that same eye that had to be fixed with surgery. I have irrational fears that I will need surgery again, or that I will lose my sight in that eye. Logically I know that whatever it is can most likely be fixed. My ophthalmologist does not seem overly concerned.
But I am.
I am normally not a worrier. I am an avid believer in the phrase "Worrying is like praying for what you don't want." But this week I have let myself worry and cry and worry some more. I woke up worried this morning because after two days of antibiotic drops this eye of mine is still looking and feeling terrible.
My aim today was to take a very overexposed photo of myself. Hide my wrinkles and pores so I could at least maybe think I looked good. But I didn't smile in any of them. I had the LCD screen on my camera flipped so I could compose these shots and all I could see was the difference in my two eyes. One bright and wide open, the other swollen and watery. I wish I could say this made me have some profound realization that everything will turn out okay, but it didn't.
Sometimes it's just not that easy.
I honestly hope that when I post my next self-portrait and I look back on this one it will be with two clear eyes. Hope over worry. Faith over fear.
Next week will be better.
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