Revealing While Trying to Hide

I have been avoiding doing a full body shot for this project. The reason is simple. I am fat. I am not comfortable with my size. I often equate my self-worth with my weight. I judge myself harshly and criticize myself endlessly.

I look at other women my size or bigger and I think, they are beautiful. I honestly believe that. Women are simply glorious in all shapes and sizes. Goddesses, in fact.

But I look at myself and I think you are too big, you look terrible, what is wrong with you?

Harsh? Yes.

Correct? No.

I know that I have value, that I am worthy. That my damn size doesn't matter in comparison to all the other things that I am. But still, look at me trying to hide in the grass. Refusing to look at the camera. Hands in pockets. Getting poked by dried sticks. Hoping against hope that somehow I will find something to like in this photograph when I upload it.

I had decided after I took this that I wasn't going to use any shots from this set, they are not exposed well. The composition could be better, etc. Then I studied this one more closely. Those light flares are pretty and the grass is so golden and shiny and I looked at my face and I saw a look of ease and contentment on it. Because it's getting warmer and Spring is coming and I was in a lovely place with my son and my friend nearby. You know what? That's what matters. That's what counts.

I think my heart is starting to really believe that and it shows on my face. My brain is going to catch up to that soon. I know it.