Without getting into detail about it, the past few weeks have been rather trying on both my body and my psyche. Most of it my own doing, my own reactions to what's happening around me and to me.
I've been working for months to really try to see how large I can be, to allow myself to dream big. To quash that old tape that says I need to stay comfortable, where I can't get hurt. That tape has gotten very loud lately, and I've been listening to it. Allowing myself to wallow in self-pity. To doubt my abilities. To stay put. Where I'm quiet. Where I'm invisible.
Where I'm safe.
For me, safety means: no sharing, keeping my emotions in check, no more dreaming. So needless to say, continuing this project, where I am vulnerable and real and in front of the camera most of the time, is downright unappealing.
So today I stood far from the camera and I faced away. I didn't want to expose myself.
But as I study this, I realize. I'm still the focal point. I'm still here, dammit. I still want to move toward the top of the hill. Toward the unknown. Away from darkness and fear.
There will be times when I doubt myself. When I feel small and inconsequential. But even in the midst of all that, my heart reaches for the light. Because it remembers who I really am and what I really want. Even when I think I don't.
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