Letting the Wind Carry Me

You can't see me in this photo. But I'm in there.

My vision, my eye, my point of view. By the action of creating this image, it became a portrait of me, in a way.

But beyond that, when I saw this photo for the first time, I gasped. Just a little. You see, this photo is me. There's dark around the edges, and light inside. Like the pods releasing their seeds, I am releasing  something too.

I'm releasing expectations and rules about who I thought I was.

I'm releasing fears and limitations.

I'm releasing anyone or anything that makes me question my value.

I'm releasing the idea that occasional sadness means I can't also be happy.

So like the seeds, I am trusting that the winds of change will lead me to a place of growth. To a place where I will embrace and love both my darkness and my light.

The Time to Shine

The last several months, a wise person has been helping me sort myself out. Helping me to rediscover my value. Helping me to look inside myself for approval.

It's been a tough road, but at the same time, a very enlightening one as well.

Yesterday he gave me an assignment of sorts. At the end of each day, I am to write down one way in which I excelled. One way in which I feel my light was shining bright.

This is not an easy assignment for me. But I'm gonna do it. Because I know in my heart that I need it. It's not bragging to look for the good things about myself.  It's not self-absorbed to want to be special or unique. It's human nature. I've been denying myself the encouragement that I easily give to others. It's not fair for me to look outside for validation. Not fair for the person I'm expecting it from and not fair to myself. I have to give to myself.

I deserve it. I always have.

So I will listen to my friend. I will do my assignment. Like those sun flares surrounding me in the photo above. I will find the ways in which my light can be seen. From every angle. In the brightest of daylight to the darkest of night. I will find them.

I'm ready to let myself Shine.

Exploring

Last week I was in California for work, not far outside San Francisco. It seemed a shame to fly all the way across the country and not see anything aside from my office, so I tacked on the weekend, booked a room through airb&b, and explored as much of San Francisco as possible in about a day and a half. No plans, no expectations, no research.

I like this about me. I am mostly easy-going. I am adventurous. I am not afraid to wander, get lost, and have no idea where I am. Payment for that is I meet interesting people, have conversations I might not otherwise get to have, learn things I might otherwise not know, and have experiences I wouldn't ordinarily have. I got a scooter ride around the city and saw the ocean waves from a cliff side in moonlight. I met a guy and his dad from Indiana who were on a business trip--when they saw me on the street later they waved and yelled my name. I caught up with some old friends and got to know a few new ones. I had famous Irish coffee and smelled the sea lions on Pier 39. I learned about a leather festival on Fulton Street. 

I took this photo just before all of that, a few hours after I'd gotten to the airb&b apartment. All this new and exciting stuff right outside a door I was just about to open. 

East is East?

I know that sunflowers turn toward the sun. What I did not know is that once pollination occurs, however, they remain in a fixed position facing East. 

I took this photo of myself in a field of sunflowers with the intent of writing a post about following the light.

But when I read the above fact, something else came to mind. 

Facing the East. 

In my spiritual work; the East is seen as the direction of passion, illumination, and fire. It is essentially a masculine, determining energy. But that does not mean it is exclusively for men. We can all strive for these attributes in our own lives, we only need to claim them. They're already ours. 

I've been grappling with negativity and stillness in my life lately and it's been quenching my inner fire. I've made some changes recently to get myself moving. To wake myself up and stoke the fire. 

I am the determiner of who I am. Of what I feel and what I let into my life. I choose optimism and passion over negativity and stagnation. 

I choose to face East. 

Summer's end

Just like that, summer is over.

It was summer all weekend. Glorious, hot, steamy, stay-in-the-water-all-day summer. And then today, it's not. I see everyone's posts about their kids' first day of school. There are splotches of red on the trees. It rained most of the day. I have to go home to the city for a while. Summer is officially done.

I love fall, but I sometimes have issues with transitions. I am comfortable with admitting and facing that now. I need to give myself time to adjust to changes.

So I'm trying to focus on the little things; like, I can't wait to wear scarves (I love scarves), and boots (love those, too), and hats and knee-high socks and cozy sweaters and my favorite robe my daughter gave me more than a decade ago. I can't wait 'til the dog gets chilly at night and snuggles under the covers with me. I love apples and I'm going to eat a ton this fall. I might finish knitting the scarf I started for my daughter last winter (no fun knitting in the hot summer). I'll go visit my kids and take them out for coffee and linger in a warm coffee shop.

So where am I here, in this photo? Holding on to the last vestiges of summer at the cottage, facing into the wild weather and upcoming changes. Things are changing. I can do this.

In Defense of Big Calves

I have large calves, they aren't particularly muscular. They are mostly just fat. I have to buy boots for "wide" calves. Sometimes cute knee socks do not fit over these fat calves. 

But here's the thing. These fat calves are sturdy and strong. They are smooth and soft. They are curvy. They have supported me through many years of living. Getting scratched by burrs in the woods, or sunburned on the beach, or worn out walking the streets of the many cities I've visited. 

I think it's time I start loving these fat calves of mine. They're kind of awesome. 

Mercury

Well hello, September! The month makes me think of back to school, which reminds me of when I was in school and teachers used to pass around a liquid ball of mercury which we would hold in our sweaty little palms, roll around a bit, marvel over, and then pass on to the kid next to us until it made the rounds of the room.

Mercury. Dangerous stuff. In the palms of our hands, no less. A little liquid ball of silver. Like magic!

So there's a time in the afternoon when the sun inches toward the lake to make its retreat for the day, but before the sun gets too low and the sky starts turning color. This is when the lake gets all sparkly and magical and, to me, mercurial. That silvery liquid that was so mystifying.

I can't hold mercury anymore, but I'm still fascinated by it and delighted that I get to see it, walk into it even, most days that I'm here.